So he finally popped the question and you’re over the moon    but your parents couldn’t be any further under it. They can’t stand him and they think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. What are you going to do? And if you want to avoid family disharmony or a cold relationship between your partner and your folks, what can you do?

No doubt this is a big problem for a surprisingly large number of families, but there are steps you can take to minimise damage and encourage good relationships. Often, there are two types of difficulties which can bring objections from your parents. The first involves concrete reasons, such as his long term unemployment, large debts, drinking problems, and so on.

If your parents are generally emotionally happy about your partners, but think that this particular person has a problem, they need to see the two of you together tackling the problem and to know you’re making progress. The worst thing you can do is say that there isn’t a problem. You need to acknowledge that there is a difficulty but you’re dealing with it.

If his employment status is a problem in their eyes, you could let your parents know that you are making progress together on this issue. You could do this by dropping into the conversation the fact that you and he are really excited because you sat down and typed out a new CV for him. Or explain that you have been looking out for relevant courses that he could join.

In this situation, you can end up feeling that you’re giving progress reports to your parents in a way that undermines your trust with your partner. But it’s not that you’re reporting back, but that you are showing that, as a couple, you’re making an effort to tackle your problems together. This is showing your parents that you are making your own family unit now and have to be allowed to do the problem solving without them, if that’s what you choose. Just slide it into the conversation rather than reporting, or, if you think you can manage it, have a meeting with all the people involved where your partner can say, “I understand you’re worried, this is what we’re doing about it.”

If that doesn’t convince them, you could be dealing with the second type of problem that often comes up    an emotional issue. This can appear in the form of your parents saying your partner isn’t good enough for you    that they don’t trust him or they don’t think he can make you happy. It’s more of a ‘feeling’ that they’re getting which makes them object. They may also use a concrete excuse, such as worrying about his lack of employment, as a smoke screen for more emotional reservations. This type of problem can be as much about your parents and their feelings about their changing role in your life as it is about you and your partner. It can even be that they’re scared of facing up to their own relationship when you have gone and they have to get back to being just a couple together.

Don’t rule out the fact that maybe, just maybe, mother (or father) does know best and is pointing out a fatal flaw in your would-be partner for life. If anything she says makes you have any doubt at all, then maybe you have to do some thinking. But if you know that he’s the one for you, there are two main ways to tackle this sort of issue.

Call a family conference and explain that you are standing firm. You have made this decision and have to be allowed, as a grown-up, to make your own choice about the person you spend the rest of your life with.

On the other hand, if you know there are underlying issues about your parents worrying about what on earth they are going to do with their time once you’re married and ‘don’t need them anymore’, you can take the ‘parenting approach’ yourself.

You can decide to start talking to them about what is going to happen as you create your own family. Ask them, ‘So what are you going to do with all your free time once I’m out of your hair?’ Get them to talk about plans for their holidays or taking up hobbies that they used to enjoy before they had children, or visiting friends they haven’t seen for a long time. You can also reassure them by telling them that you love them and you do need them in your life.

In the end, you may simply have to say, ‘I love you dearly, but this is my choice and I’m going,’ Unless they come to terms with the fact that this emotional objection to your partner to be is actually a deeper-rooted issue about your relationship with them, nothing you ever do will be good enough.