Total mess! These are the first words that come to mind when one thinks of an impending divorce. There are so many things to be attended to, so many details to be worked out, appointments with lawyers, legal complications… the list is endless! Easier, don’t you think, to try and adjust to each other, forgive and forget, meet partners half way? If people are willing to compromise, they can often find solutions to problems they never thought were possible! Not all dissenting couples will agree. In some cases the differences go real deep and are irreconcilable. There may be instances of adultery, extra marital affairs which may be impossible to forgive. As one of our readers had written when talking about her impending divorce and when she spoke of her attitude towards her husband:

“I love you…hate you…I can’t live without you.
I breathe you…I taste you…I can’t live without you.
I just can’t take it any more, this life of solitude.
I guess I’m out the door, and now, thank God! I’m done with you!”

How can you avoid divorce?

To avoid the mess of a divorce, the first thing would be to try and recognize your problem. Sometimes even an apology expressed at the right moment can go a long way in helping to resolve the issue. It is always better to tackle problems when they are still fresh and before they are allowed to fester and magnify into a divorce situation. Once smaller issues are solved, somehow the threat of divorce seems to recede.

You may have been partly responsible for the bitterness and rancour in the relationship. So zero in on where you’ve gone wrong and it will be that much easier for you to make amends. Recognize the problem and try and rectify the situation. You could have expressed your concerns right in the beginning instead of allowing the problem to grow. If your husband has been golfing every evening and preferred hanging out with his friends to spending an evening with you, talk to him about it. If he could be made to understand that this is not in the best interest of his marriage, he may apologise, express regret for his actions and try and avoid harming his marriage. This may put you in an entirely different frame of mind as you will recognize the sincerity in his voice and subsequent actions.

Once your husband understands the harm that has been caused by his thoughtless action, he should accept responsibility instead of trying to make scapegoats of his friends. He should not try and put the blame on great stress at work. It is only when one accepts total responsibility that one can help change the outcome. This is where counseling can help.

Next course of action would be to develop a remedy that can solve the problem once and for all. Instead of cutting him off from his friends or banning him from playing golf, try telling him that he could still do it for 3 days a week, and on those days you can do something on your own too! Develop interests and hobbies that can keep you occupied. If you have no skills do some voluntary work like reading for the blind. Your husband will respect you for your thoughtfulness and will not look at you as a killjoy.

So here are the keywords if you want to avoid the problem of divorce right when the dissentions start:

1. Recognize the problem
2. Express regret for your part
3. Accept responsibility
4. Develop a remedy

Try these courses of action before you even consider a divorce and you may succeed in saving your marriage from a disastrous ending.

If any of you reading this have your own suggestions to add, please do so! Our doors are always open to discussions and finding workable solutions to women’s problems.