These are some typical patterns that often appear with regard to affairs, regardless of the specific situation. Here are a few key points that seem to be quite common (both for the person having an affair and for the spouse):

1. Person having an affair: Keeping the affair “separate” from the rest of life. Many people having affairs `compartmentalise’ their lives and keep their family relationship and `outside’ relationships separate in their own mind - as if one has nothing to do with the other.

2. Spouse: Being crushed, humiliated, and in pain are almost always the reactions to learning of a partners affair (even if there was a suspicion beforehand, but even more so if there was no suspicion). The most common word used is `devastation’.

3. Person having an affair: Flatly denying an affair and/or not communicating about the affair once its discovered. There seems to be an unwritten rule among people having affairs: “Never tell. If questioned, deny it. If caught, say as little as possible.’’

4. Spouse: Having a difficult time understanding how/why this happened; struggling with the feeling that this doesn’t `make sense’. (Affairs are not based on being rational; in fact, people having affairs tend to `rationalise’ their behaviour in order to feel OK about themselves.)

5. Person having an affair: Wanting to `put it behind us’ and go on instead of dealing with it and trying to work through it.

6. Spouse: Losing a lot of weight and having a hard time simply functioning. In fact, the struggle to physically deal with the pain and loss is the first order of business for most people.

7. Both: Wanting to find a quick and easy solution to the upheaval caused by an affair. Seeing a therapist can help, but getting over the pain of the situation and rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and work. It can’t be rushed. Some factors that make a difference are willingness to answer questions, hanging in through the inevitable emotional impact, and severing contact with the third party. (These are not absolute, but usually indicate a willingness to resolve this issue instead of trying to bury it alive, where it just keeps coming back.)

8. Both: Wanting some `guarantee’ that it won’t happen again. There is no simple one-time action that can provide protection. Preventing an affair in the future requires a commitment to an ongoing honest communication.