Detect His Lies Every Time

If you smell a rat, get to the bottom of your suspicions by reading his body language.

1. The ear pull: If he tugs on his ear, it may be a subconscious ploy to distract you from the big, fat fib coming out of his kisser.

2. The arched eyebrow: A cocked brow sends a contradictory signal-half aggressive, half scared. The unmixed message: he’s hiding something from you.

3. The chin dip: Right before a cunning cutie coughs up the Story of the Century, he’ll sometimes gulp and lower his chin to keep down the butterflies in his stomach.

4. The shoulder shrug: A shoulder shrug feigns bewilderment, as in “How could she think I’d lie to her?” But what he’s really thinking at that moments is “How the heck did she catch me?”

5. The hand rub: If your sweetie’s sweating buckets, his palms will itch, forcing him to rub them together or wipe them on his pants.

6. The leg shift: Shifting his weight from one leg to the other may indicate a shifty response to the burning question you have put to him.

There are some marriages that cannot or should not be saved. I’m talking of cases of continued abuse, alcoholism, repeated extra marital affairs or chronic unhappiness. In these cases, divorce will offer a healthy relief for the couple. However, in instances where there are children, it will still cause much pain, anger and resentment that will especially affect them in a very negative way. They will carry the scars all their lives, and that is not such a healthy outcome after all. Therefore, in such cases, steps should be taken to see if the marriage can be improved and divorce undertaken as the absolute last step.
Read what Lakshmi from the U.S. (name changed for privacy reasons) has to say and chip in with your suggestions-

“Mine was a purely arranged marriage. I remember the excitement at home when Ravi and his parents came to meet me. The entire avenue was agog when they heard of the great coup my parents had managed to achieve. My God! An IIM graduate and so lucratively employed abroad! What more could one ask? I was no raving beauty; I was kind of ok - enough to pass muster. My parents belonged to a really wealthy family and firmly believed that there was nothing money could not achieve.

It was a bit of a culture shock when Ravi and his parents walked in. They seemed eager to impress, were in total awe of my parents and agreed to whatever they said. I could see that they came from a very ordinary background and that Ravi had come up only because of his intelligence and hard work. I also noticed that he was very uncomfortable; he kept avoiding looking me in the eye and answered queries in monosyllables. Yes, he was already a manager in a big IT company in New York; he had his own apartment; kept long hours at work and was not very aware of what else was going on in his part of the world. He seemed to be a workaholic who had very little time for anything else. I recall being a little ill at ease with the situation and confiding about this to my parents. They pooh-poohed it and said that it was up to me to change him.

The marriage was a grand affair and the guests were almost entirely ours. The few of their contacts and family who attended seemed quite overawed by the whole thing and kept pretty much to themselves. I could see my mother-in-law’s eyes go round with wonder at the expensive gifts we received. The next morning Ravi and I left for our honeymoon, sponsored of course, by my parents. I noticed that Ravi was tense and never really relaxed in my company. I ignored all the warning signals and hoped he would be all right once we were on our own.

The nightmare began on the very first day. Ravi actually resented me! That came as a big shock. I could feel his resentment in his brooding looks and in the way he spoke to me. This was no excited, loving bridegroom! Even as we entered our hotel room, he rudely told me that just because he had married me, did not mean that I owned him! After that, he began to insult me in every way possible. He would leave me to trot behind him trying hard to catch up with him; he never offered to carry my bags and never bothered to make any conversation. I could not understand his attitude - what had I done to deserve this? He told me he had not wanted to get married to me and had been forced into marriage by his parents. I pleaded with him to forget all that - after all, we were married now. He said he could see the contempt for his background in my eyes and he was going to teach me a lesson I would never forget. I thought of my poor parents and stomached all this quietly.

Life was one hell after that. Ravi continued to ignore me; it was as if I never existed. Even when we got back, he asked me to go to my parents’ house to “live in comfort” while he stayed with his parents for the rest of his visit. My parents excitedly asked me about my honeymoon and whether we had begun to understand each other. I gave a bright smile and answered in the affirmative. And then, it was time to leave for New York. ‘Maybe he will change once we are there’ I thought to myself. Not a word on the long flight; no looking after my comfort; only those resentful glares that I had come to associate with him.

It was no better in New York. We literally lived in silence. Whenever he did say something, his tone would be full of hatred. He sure seemed to carry a big chip on his shoulder! He kept odd hours, let himself in and slept in his room. I was at a total loss. We were strangers sharing the same apartment. My parents had given me some money and with that I decided to join some course that would give me relief from the nightmare that was my life. I also managed to get a part time job that gave me some financial independence. There is nothing in this marriage for either of us. All my dreams have been shattered. I am only holding on for the sake of my parents. It has been a year and a half now, and there has been no let up in Ravi’s behavior. If anything, he spews more hatred! He has no friends, no one to whom I can turn to in my despair. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this hate does not translate into physical violence. Please tell me what I should do. Should I tell my parents everything and risk my father’s ill-health? (He is a cardiac patient.) I will go mad this way. I would like to put this behind me and pick up the threads. Should I go in for divorce?

Let’s begin by stating the obvious – No marriage is perfect. Once we accept this fact, we can analyse the areas where there are visible shortfalls and try and rectify them as a first step to add fresh life to the marriage. There may be many things about our partner that we do not like, and these may be getting noticeably worse as the years roll by. Or may be just get magnified once the first flush and novelty dies down! Trying to change things, or simply putting them on a back burner, or even blanking out the problems will only serve to make the situation worse and even go out of control. Instead, here are a few tried and tested ways by which you can kindle the embers and revive a stale marriage.

One of the best ways to tackle this problem is to simply motivate your partner with praise. Instead of taking a negative stance, focus clearly on what you want – this will be by far the most effective method and likely to produce good results. Trying to point out mistakes and demanding a change in attitude will only worsen things. The reasons are obvious.

* No one likes to be told he/she is wrong. It is very difficult to accept that someone finds your behaviour wrong even if that someone is your spouse
* We tend to criticize vehemently when we are angry. When one is cornered, the person goes on the defensive and tends to lose balance.
* Instead, if you seek what you want, you are silently praising either yourself or your spouse for whatever is going on. The best motivator with which to encourage people is praise. Never forget to apply this to yourself too. Always acknowledge and praise yourself often for what you’ve done.
* Try not to express or think negative thoughts. This will only cause you to lose control and also the feeling of power. What you feel when you criticize your partner and what you feel when you give praise will tell you how powerful you feel in the latter situation.
* Always focus on the positive aspects of your marriage and you will automatically find yourself in a win-win situation where you will live in harmony and peace.

You’ve called him a stinking rat to your friends, played I will Survive 15 times in a row at full volume and answered a dozen small ads from men with a GSOH. But you still jump to the phone at the first ring and feel your stomach drop into your boots when it’s your mother. You doodle his name at work during meetings, take furtive detours past his place to check if the lights are on, and fantasise endlessly about how it might have been. In short, you are in love-painfully..and hopelessly.

Every woman who has been there has dreamed of an instant cure for unrequited passion, but until recently the only ‘cures’ were tea, sympathy and - for the really desperate - a lot of psychobabble. This is not always enough. Most of us, at least once in our lives, have been so besotted with another person that we have behaved in a way that - if the cause were anything other than love - would be seen as madness.

You tend to wonder which is worse… being in love or the aftermath! At the beginning of each relationship you are like some crazed fanatic. Thinking about the guy every single waking moment, working out this entire fantasy life you would share - right down to the names of your kids. When the relationship does not work, you are into deep depression.

Now science is showing that the emotional upheavals caused by passionate love, the gnawing discomfort of unfulfilled love and the pain of heartbreak really are a kind of insanity. Furthermore, the cause has been traced - as with other mental illnesses - to disruptions in brain chemistry. As with depression or alcoholism, romantic love is an illness that can damage your body and create chaos in your life. But don’t despair, these findings are opening up the possibility of a cure - the anti-love pill is on its way.

The answer lies in the complex chemistry of the brain. Scientists have studied the three distinct stages people go through while in the throes of love. They found that each one is associated with huge surges and plunges in the level of various neurotransmitters - the chemicals that turn different areas of the brain on or off to bring about different thoughts and feelings.

The first stage is when you feel that lower-abdomen jolt when your eyes connect with those of some desirable hunk. This is actually due to a sudden flurry in the hypothalamus, which triggers the release of a punchy cocktail of adrenaline and sex hormones.

The second stage is attraction - a pleasant, light-hearted stage of love, but for some it is like being on a fantastic trip which feels too good to be allowed to end. Attraction is brought about by a group of neurotransmitters known as monoamines. In some people this produces a state similar to drug withdrawal, in which people need more and more affection or excitement to maintain a sense of wellbeing.

The third stage of love is attachment, which brings a new batch of chemicals into play. Chief among these is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter that has a bonding effect on people, and is released whenever you have that warm, huggy feeling of love for someone.

If all these chemicals remain balanced during this three-stage process, the course of true love runs smoothly - couples pass painlessly from lust of attraction to attachment and live happily ever after. But more often than not, the chemistry goes wrong. The main danger point is during the shift from attraction to attachment. The ‘high’ is terrific but, like all chemically induced states, there comes a crash.

Doctors today are prescribing some kind of anti-depressant to deal with this ‘love’ syndrome! The pills can take away not only the misery you would feel after breaking up with someone, they can also stop any obsessive ruminating on the affair. Many studies have shown that some antidepressants can calm the frenzy of infatuation and soothe the pain of a heartbreak, just as an aspirin can relieve a toothache. They can even subdue feelings of obsessive jealousy.

Anti-depressants are not licensed specifically for treating heartbreak, but if the end of a love affair triggers depression - as it sometimes does - you could ask your doctor to prescribe some anti-depressants for you. Of course, most people will get over a failed love affair without taking pills - and the pangs of a heartbreak often help us to be more sensitive to others - but for others they may be vital for emotional health. So, didn’t we always know that scientists will eventually find a cure for just about anything? A pill for being lovesick? Wow!

So he finally popped the question and you’re over the moon    but your parents couldn’t be any further under it. They can’t stand him and they think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life. What are you going to do? And if you want to avoid family disharmony or a cold relationship between your partner and your folks, what can you do?

No doubt this is a big problem for a surprisingly large number of families, but there are steps you can take to minimise damage and encourage good relationships. Often, there are two types of difficulties which can bring objections from your parents. The first involves concrete reasons, such as his long term unemployment, large debts, drinking problems, and so on.

If your parents are generally emotionally happy about your partners, but think that this particular person has a problem, they need to see the two of you together tackling the problem and to know you’re making progress. The worst thing you can do is say that there isn’t a problem. You need to acknowledge that there is a difficulty but you’re dealing with it.

If his employment status is a problem in their eyes, you could let your parents know that you are making progress together on this issue. You could do this by dropping into the conversation the fact that you and he are really excited because you sat down and typed out a new CV for him. Or explain that you have been looking out for relevant courses that he could join.

In this situation, you can end up feeling that you’re giving progress reports to your parents in a way that undermines your trust with your partner. But it’s not that you’re reporting back, but that you are showing that, as a couple, you’re making an effort to tackle your problems together. This is showing your parents that you are making your own family unit now and have to be allowed to do the problem solving without them, if that’s what you choose. Just slide it into the conversation rather than reporting, or, if you think you can manage it, have a meeting with all the people involved where your partner can say, “I understand you’re worried, this is what we’re doing about it.”

If that doesn’t convince them, you could be dealing with the second type of problem that often comes up    an emotional issue. This can appear in the form of your parents saying your partner isn’t good enough for you    that they don’t trust him or they don’t think he can make you happy. It’s more of a ‘feeling’ that they’re getting which makes them object. They may also use a concrete excuse, such as worrying about his lack of employment, as a smoke screen for more emotional reservations. This type of problem can be as much about your parents and their feelings about their changing role in your life as it is about you and your partner. It can even be that they’re scared of facing up to their own relationship when you have gone and they have to get back to being just a couple together.

Don’t rule out the fact that maybe, just maybe, mother (or father) does know best and is pointing out a fatal flaw in your would-be partner for life. If anything she says makes you have any doubt at all, then maybe you have to do some thinking. But if you know that he’s the one for you, there are two main ways to tackle this sort of issue.

Call a family conference and explain that you are standing firm. You have made this decision and have to be allowed, as a grown-up, to make your own choice about the person you spend the rest of your life with.

On the other hand, if you know there are underlying issues about your parents worrying about what on earth they are going to do with their time once you’re married and ‘don’t need them anymore’, you can take the ‘parenting approach’ yourself.

You can decide to start talking to them about what is going to happen as you create your own family. Ask them, ‘So what are you going to do with all your free time once I’m out of your hair?’ Get them to talk about plans for their holidays or taking up hobbies that they used to enjoy before they had children, or visiting friends they haven’t seen for a long time. You can also reassure them by telling them that you love them and you do need them in your life.

In the end, you may simply have to say, ‘I love you dearly, but this is my choice and I’m going,’ Unless they come to terms with the fact that this emotional objection to your partner to be is actually a deeper-rooted issue about your relationship with them, nothing you ever do will be good enough.

“They say that love doesn’t cost, but then again, why do so many people pay for it?” Last night I was about to fell asleep when suddenly the phone rings. It’s a long distance call from my friend. He was crying while saying “I don’t want to live anymore, she’s gone, what will I do?” I tried to calm him first asking him what happened then he said her fiancée left him for another man. “What could be the reason, why did she leave me?” he asked. “Only you can answer that question”, I said. Then I recall that I have once involved in the same situation, the difference is I am not the one who’s asking this questions. I’m the one who left for another.

It was Saturday morning when I decided to end my relationship with this man. I don’t know how to say it or what to do to make it easier for him to accept everything but as the song goes by “there’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart” that’s why I just tell him the truth. I don’t love him anymore, I don’t know but I just fell out of love. Maybe because he’s always there for me… sounds funny isn’t it? Well he’s always been there for me, wherever I go, he’s there, in every occasion, he’s there, in my work, in school, anywhere, as if I don’t have my freedom. I don’t have my own time, time for myself to choose where I want to go or to be with my friends. Just like that…I felt that I need to have a space for myself…I got irritated whenever he call asking me if I already eat or where will I go. That’s why one day I decided not to answer his calls. I did not tell him my plans for the day. I went to the mall alone, bought something for my self, I even watch movie alone, eat my favorite foods and I feel so very free.When I got home, he’s there waiting for me. My mom told me he’s been waiting for almost four hours. He then asked me where I’ve been, why did I left without even telling him, who’s with me, those stupid questions. I just said, I go out all by my self and I don’t have to tell him everything. What’s wrong with me, he asked. Nothing I said. I just want to be alone. Could you give some time to be with my self? Give me some space!

After that night, I talked to my friend whom I recently met just before I got bored with my man. He’s more matured and manly than him and we talked every night after I finished working. He always makes me laugh and I really like his sense of humor. We just talked using a two way radio and then one night he went to my place to finally meet him. We became good friends I guess after we met.Before this, I told my boy that I met a friend and we always talked. He’s a jealous type of a man but I made him understand that he’s just a friend of mine.In spite of asking him to give me some space, he still did the same thing. He still visited me in my work, he still call me, went to my place as if nothing happens. And because he did not give me time to think, I finally decided to end our relationship. Well I don’t love him anymore; I mean how can I love a man who doesn’t want to give my own freedom? What will you do if you’re in my shoes? I left him and I accidentally fell in love with the man who’s now the father of my two daughters.The last news I’ve heard from him is he went abroad and worked there.And so I told my friend who’s on the phone to just let go and give his self a little time to think. Letting go of someone you love is really hard but holding on to someone who doesn’t even feel the same is much harder. It doesn’t mean that you are weak when you give up, it only shows that you are strong enough to let go to start a new beginning.Because I’m too sleepy that night, I even did not notice that my friend who called is the man I once left before.

So, there wasn’t a ‘happy ever after’. You’re on your own once again    for better or worse. Right now, you think that your world is crumbling around you. And the future never looked bleaker.

But remember, it’s always the darkest just before dawn. The darkness doesn’t stay on forever. Not in reality. But it might stay on in your mind. Because you choose not to let the light in.

Maybe it’s time to change your mindset. And have a stronger attitude towards life, and about yourself.

The first thing you need to do for yourself, is to accept the situation for exactly what it is. No matter how painful it could be. Unless you accept the pain, you can never get over it. You need to cry and give vent to your negative emotions. Only then will you be able to find peace. Going into denial never helps. The ghosts of the past will keep returning to haunt time and again.

If you’re trembling inside, there is no need to put on a brave front. Most people need help at some phase in their lives. There is no shame in asking for help. Your friends and family would be a lot more understanding than you think. With their help, try to lead as normal a life as possible.

Remember, the healing process takes time. There will be progress, but you will regress occasionally too. Accept it all as normal. Allow yourself to cry. Maybe you need a support group. Talking to others who have been through the same ordeal always helps. You could get some valuable input and advice from them.

Don’t, at any cost, neglect your health. Make sure you eat nutritious food and have your daily workouts. No matter how reluctant you are. No matter how senseless it seems. Your diet and fitness will be the two factors that help you heal the most.

Think positively about your ability to cope. Let go your loss and look to the future for fresh options. Develop new interests. Make new friends. Change your lifestyle. Be interested in life once again. Make it a point to be curious about things going on in the world, in your country, in your community, in your neighbourhood.

Thank God for your renewed strength. You’re on your way to a normal life.

Is your heart still in a million pieces? You aren’t able to get over your break up and move on in life, are you?

Well, here’s some good news for you. It’s still not impossible. You can mend your heart and be happy again.

Here are some effective tips for you.

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Don’t suppress your feelings. Let out your frustrations and sorrow. Have a good cry. Go to the gym and hit out at a punching bag as hard as you can. As long as you can. Run a few miles every day. It will help you expend your negative energy. Suppressing these feelings can devastate your life.
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Find something else to love. A pup or two is a good way to mend your heart. They are so adorable and loving, you can’t help but enjoy their companionship. Pets also work wonders in preventing you from wallowing in your sorrows.
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Don’t brood about all the good times you had, the sweet nothings he whispered in your ears. It will only make you feel worse. Change your mindset. Think instead about the times when he wasn’t nice to you. About the times when he made you cry. And soon, you can’t help but feel that you are better off without him.
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Learn the lessons of life. What have you learnt from this relationship? Your experiences should make you a stronger person. Have you learnt to read between the lines? Have you learnt to be less trusting? And make your own decisions? It’s important you don’t forget these valuable lessons in life.
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Keep busy. Throw your self into your job. Work extra hours. Plan weekends well ahead. Movies, parties, social work and much more. Life is full of opportunities. Grab them and use them well.
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Love yourself. Stop criticising yourself about your mistakes and inabilities. Look at yourself with new eyes. Accept yourself. Be your best friend. If you don’t care for yourself, others won’t either.
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Protect your heart. You will be vulnerable for a while still. Don’t give your heart away too soon. It will be on the rebound. You need to heal your heart before you can even think of love again. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make new friends of the opposite sex. Friendship is fine, but don’t mistake it for the real thing    love.
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Make yourself independent    financially and emotionally. Accept a guy because you want him. Not because you need him for a better lifestyle.

In the summer of 1999, when I was just 13 years old, my mother and father bought a new computer that allowed us to access the internet. My mum made herself a yahoo email account and started talking to people in chat rooms online. With school out for 6 weeks I was mid way through another intensely boring summer break in London. Desperate for a way to pass the time, my mother made me and email account of my own under the name Copperkittengirl. She showed me how to go online and talk to other children from places all over the world and I loved it. I made a few friends who I would talk to occasionally but most of my time was spent singing over the microphone I had plugged into my computer. One day I was happily chatting online, singing my little heart out to anyone who was listening, when a young boy under the chat name Sniper_030 messaged me telling me i had a lovely voice. We started talking and I soon found out he was also 13 years old and from Texas USA.

We talked for what seemed like all day, until my mother pulled me off of the computer in the middle of the night, but we exchanged emails and arranged to talk again the next day. So we did, everyday for the rest of the summer. We would talk for aslong as our differing time zones would allow. I would stay up all night one day, and he would stay up all night the next day. We shared everything, dreams, interests, troubles, I felt an extremely strong fondness for this person, yet I had never met him, I didnt even know what he looked like!

We returned to school but continued emailing every day and talking every weekend. I would jump out of bed half an hour early every morning just to email him and rush home from school at 3pm knowing there would be an email waiting for me in reply. I had butterfly’s in my stomach every time, egarly waiting to see what he had written and what new things I would learn about my american friend today. A few months had passed since we met and we decided to airmail eachother pictures as this was long before the days of digital camera’s. We exchanged addresses and wrote eachother a letter accompanied by some photographs. He recieved mine first, I was so nervous that he would think I was ugly and stop talking to me, I was small with bright red hair and pale skin, a combination that was nothing short of a curse in high school. A few weeks later I recieved his letter. My mum woke me up saying, “Gemma, theres a letter here from america for you”. I distinctly remember my heart nearly exploading and i’m sure I made it out of bed in record time. I opened the package and couldnt believe my eyes, he was gorgeous! not that it really even mattered, I had grown so fond of my new friend that nothing would have stopped me tlaking to him. I felt my heart melt when I saw his pictures, followed by a moment of sadness that the only boy in the world who truely appreciated me, was so far away.

I had never had a boyfriend, I had crushes on people in school but, I never had much interest in the opposite sex, unlike all my friends. I was too busy dancing or singing for that. One day however, I was at a friends sleepover and everybody was discussing there latest ‘crush’. I had breifly spoken about my electronic pen friend from the states before, but for the most part, I had kept him to myself. At that moment I realised I had an incredibly jittery feeling every time he entered my head, or maybe because he never left my head. I admitted to my friends that I couldnt stop thinking about him and met a mixed reaction from “ohhh thats so sweet” to “dream on, he’s in america, its not like you’ll ever meet”. Essentially they all thought I was a crazy little kid with my head in the clouds. Maybe I was, but I would dream every day of meeting my friend, that maybe somehow we would suprise everyone. He was special to me, and despite all the negative words, I wasnt willing to give up on that ‘what if’.

By the time we were nearly 16 we had drifted alittle, I was constantly going to dance classes and we were occupied with other ‘real life’ destractions, eventually we lost contact. I never stopped thinking about him, he would pop into my head and I would feel disspaointed in myself for not making more effort to email him and stay in touch, but we never forgot. So when I was 17, I randomly emailed ‘Sniper’ to see if he would reply. Sure enough a few days later I got a message back, and before we knew it we were talking online catching up and sharing all the new experiences we had with eachother. I felt like I was 13 all over again, and I remembered exactly why I loved this boy so much, and vowed I would never let him slip out of my life again, even if we were only ever destined to be life long internet companions.

We continued talking for the next 5 years, some weeks more than others. We helped eachother through breaks ups, family troubles, everything that we went through we shared with the other person, he knew everything about me. By the time I was 19 years old I had been with a couple of boyfriends, failed experiences. Everytime I talked to ‘Nick’ I felt a growing need to tell him how I really felt about him. I had always been to scared to tell him I thought he was gorgeous and that on some level I was sure, somehow, I loved him. Eventually, with alittle help from Nicks friend, we ended up admitting how we felt, I told him I loved him and he said the same back, it didnt change anything, we still couldnt be together, we were an ocean apart and neither of us had money to visit the other. But we knew how we felt and for the time being it was enough. Just to know I had him there and that he felt the same, settled me.

We continued with our lives, persued more doomed relationships, shared more experiences. Until at the beginning of 2008, I recieved some unexpected financial help. I wasnt sure what to do with the money, I decorated my bedroom, bought some new clothes, and just pondered my possibilities. Till one night when I was talking to Nick online, I told him I was coming to Texas, if he would have me. As soon as I said it I felt sick, nervous, worried, scared. I remember thinking, oh my goodness Gemma did you mean that! what are you going to do now? We had idley talked of meeting up before, even attempted arranging it but nothing had ever come through, so I am sure at that point neither me or Nick were truely convinced it would actually happen. Nick seemed reluctant to pick me up from the airport 3 hours from his home and I was petrified of flying alone. But something happened, something clicked, Nick decided he would make the drive to the airport and said “lets do this”. I nearly fell of my chair, but his confidence gave me confidence and I booked a flight, dragging my best friend Selina with me for the ride.

We had to visit during spring break, which was only 3 days away, so from the moment we booked our flight, there wasnt much oppertunity for everything to sink in. It wasnt untill I was on the plane to Houston, I remember turning to Selina and saying “Sel, im going to meet Nick!” and im sure thats the moment it hit me. I was hyperactive in the airport, fiddling with my hair, trying not to freak out so bad that I was carted off by security. It seemed to take an age to get through passport control and im sure the immigration officer thought I was on drugs because I was so excited. Consumed by nerves as I walked out of the airport with my luggage, I scanned round to look for Nick, praying to god that I would recognise him in person! Then there he was, strolling up to me in his white T and Corona cap. I totally froze, I didnt know what to say or do, hug? hand shake? smile? help!…..

I barely remember what words came out of my mouth, all that I could think about was, thats Nick, after nearly 10 years, your in Texas, and he is real. He was quiet for the ride home, talking to his 2 friends who joined him to pick us up. I think we were both alittle shocked to be honest, but it didnt take long, that night when everyone was asleep, we sat on his couch, talking, for the first time in person, having one of our ‘chats’, just like it was over the computer, but this time, it was all real. I wanted to hug him so tight but I couldnt, I didnt know if he wanted me to? did he like me like that? or was i a dissapointment? He was so gorgeous, he was better looking in person that in his pics (and he was gorgeous in his pics!)

We grew closer as the time passed, I was in Texas for 5 days and by the 4th night, I was devestated I had to leave, desperately trying not to think about having to go back to talking online, half a world away. I couldnt bare it, Nick would wake me up every time I started to fall asleep saying “dont fall asleep, we only have a few more hours”. I could barely breathe on the drive to the airport, I couldn’t speak, I just sat quitely, sleeping here and there when I could. I had never wanted to cry so much in my life. I sucked in as much air as I could before saying goodbye, just praying that I could hold my tears long enough to get through the doors of the airport. I had the most amazing 5 days of my life, yet my heart was breaking. How was I ment to carry on at home now? just forget? pretend I dont love him?

The plane ride home was the worst, every second I knew I was further away, never knowing when I would get to see Nick again. I was home, and the only good thing about that was seeing my dog. As soon as I got back after my 17 hour journey, I put my computer on and checked my emails desperate to see the name Nick Cantu in my inbox.

“I’m back to my normal little life, although it will never be the same this time round. Thankyou for the years of unconditional love and loyalty, thankyou for an amazing few days sweetheart. Just plain thankyou for everything (maybe I do have a reason to carry on with my life much more enthusiasticlly now, an oh! what a spledid reason it is!)”

I read that, and I broke down. How cruel life seemed to be to put such a vast space between us. I had to find a way to overcome it. So I went back, back to Texas, back to Nick. I couldnt let that be it. We agreed to get engaged, and to be together no matter what, no matter how much effort or hard work it would be, we would find a way, because its what we wanted, because I loved him.

Since that time, Nick has visited my home in London, met my family and I have spent more time in Texas. We planned to marry in November, but after spending 6 weeks in London with me, Nick and I faced 3 months apart before our wedding. I had to work to help pay for venues and visa’s, and Nick had to spend time with his family. We decided in the face of seperation, to bring our wedding forward. I would go back to Texas with Nick, and we would get married. Nick’s family helped us plan an intimate ceremony and reception within the space of a week, and it was perfect. Fancy venues, flowers, dresses, cakes, no longer mattered. We just wanted to be together, to never have to say goodbye again.

We married at sunset on the 14th of June 2008.

If I Could Write a Love Story

If saying forever is naive then I’ll stay naive for the rest of my life

If eternity is stupid, then I’ll be stupid forever

But if it’s for a while then I’ll make our time eternal

So it will never end

Crash! Right into a Powerade machine, That was the sound I made the first time I realized I loved her we were just kids in the eighth grade but still I knew I loved her ‘’kind of’’ . At the time we were just friends but I knew I wanted to be more than just friends my best friend who has the reasoning of a monkey said ’’go for it’’ I said ‘’yeah easier said than done’’. So I stayed quit never knowing that at the time of the crash she felt the same way. A month passed and I stayed quite never knowing but always wondering. Until she started to write the initials of the guy she liked. I Remember telling her he must be pretty stupid probably the dumbest in the world she would always say yeah he really is. Well One fateful day I woke up with the determination to find out who this mystery guy was. So in one of our classes I started to ask questions about the so called guy without asking distinguishing facts about me she answered all of my questions like if she didn’t know what I was doing. At this point I thought to myself its not me that’s when I showed her my bracelet and told her look these our my initials they mean Fabian Armando Herrera. That’s when I asked her what do yours mean she blushed and didn’t answer. Well the bell rang and I left the class with nothing but despair and a sense of emptiness in the pit of my stomach knowing that I would have to see her in my next class which at this point I felt it embarrassing to be in her presence. As I was walking I told myself I should at least figure out who beat me to the girl who I wanted for so long. I walked into class sat down and pondered about what the initials could mean I looked at my bracelet and then the initials for about five minutes into the class. That’s when the wires in my brain connected. “Its Me’’! “Its Me’’! I shouted as the teacher gave me detention for not shutting up, but I didn’t care I’ll never forget the smile she gave me. But it was to late school was about to end. Summer sucked all I could think about was her. My days were just filled with regret. Days passed my love for her grew. Then school came around I remember that for the first week all I was doing was looking for her. Telling myself please remember me. that’s when I found her I remember all I did was stare into her beautiful brown eyes not realizing she was doing the same and all we said was hi bye and that was it. I remember hitting my head in the Powerade machine all while countless people watched and asked ”is he OK”! as if I was mental at this point maybe I was but I felt like if her feelings for me were gone . Our next encounter was different I was determined to find out if she still liked or if there was hope. I knew I had to be discrete that’s when I blurted out do you still like me, talk about discrete. Anyway she answered no! I felt like my heart broke into a million tiny pieces. Then she told me something I would never forget she said’’ no I don’t like you I love you’’ At this point I screamed to the heavens forgetting that one of her friends was there and that we weren’t alone and how foolish I looked but I didn’t care. Funny thing is I didn’t ask her to be mine till a week later because I wanted it to be unforgettable and it was. September 22,2008 was and is the greatest day of my life. There was this field trip to go to UCLA and watch the football game on Saturday my plan was set. I would go and ask her as we were entering the stadium under the lights the problem was getting the permission slip only one teacher had one left. Man I’ll never forget all the extra homework I had to do to get this thing, But it was worth it. Finally Saturday came I sat right next to her on the bus. Out of this field trip I only remember two things the first was when she said yes the gleaming lights made her eyes sparkle like the full moon above our heads the way her face brightened truly unforgettable. The second thing I remember was our first kiss. It was midnight the busses got delayed and there was traffic going back home like there always is in LA. I kissed her on the forehead and was about to kiss her when she just kissed me it was the most magical kiss ever. People say we’re young and we can’t use the word love but let me tell you if we can’t use the word love who can . So we do know what love is. Funny thing is I said forever she agreed and we’re still working on Wow! if I could write a love story it would go like this.

Okay guys - wanna go a-wooing? And you want to do it in style. How do you go about it - fashionably, yet eloquently?

One sure-proof way of doing it right is to say it with flowers. Flowers have helped many a relationship bloom through the ages.

Before you head for the nearest florist and grab a bunch - here are a few tips to help you out.

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A bouquet of flowers can mean a whole lot of things. Just red roses by themselves mean ‘true love’. Other flowers could denote friendship and affection.
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You don’t need a special occasion to give someone some flowers. The most special gifts are those that are given without reason.
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The price of each flower varies with the season. You can get more flowers for your money, if you buy what’s in season.
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Try a variety of flowers and colours. A mixed bouquet is an enchanting sight. It can look really eye-catching.
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Flowers are supposed to be all about feminity - soft, gentle and fragrant. Women always relate to flowers. They feel special when they receive some.
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For a man who isn’t very familiar with flowers, it could be confusing to try and pick out the appropriate ones for a bouquet. Don’t hesitate to get professional help. Tell your florist about the occasion and the person for whom it is intended and ask her to help you out.

Here’s to blooming love!

I remember back in the day
when we’d play in the park
carefree, no worries
just us being us

kids

Stories were told
and laughter was shared
memories of a time
so clear in my head
but so far gone

Time has passed
and yet I still
seem to be holding
onto those memories

them happy moments
where life was good
and the bad
didn’t exist

If I could press rewind
I’d go back there
for a day, a second
just to remember
the way you used to smile

how you held us close
and sang us lullabies

time’s have changed
& Im no longer a child
nothings the same
Forever evolving

I miss that place
I miss how we were

But one day
one sweet day
I hope that I
can look you in the eye
and finally say
I love you

And mean it!

But there were consequences, of whose making is blurred. The next “step” is our walks to the parking lot to our cars. We’re rarely ever alone together and somehow, here we were, alone among strangers. It started as schoolyard antics, the one where the boy makes fun of the girl, shoves her and teases her. I’m resilient, I bounce back and push him right back. That’s when the physical contact entered a different realm. We literally had scuffles, where we push and pull, kick and scratch, punch and pinch. And it always ended up with me enveloped in his arms, my body pressed into his, his breathing resonating in my ear.
“Do you want me to let go?” he asked and I do not answer. I try to fight off his embrace but he hangs on, he has patience and persistence. We pretend nothing happened in front of our friends and speak nothing of it to ourselves. What can we call it? Is there a name?
Nighttime is dangerous. It seems inhibitions set with the sun and whatever we do gets cleansed by the dawning of a new day. We went to Jamba Juice after class one day and I drove him back to campus to his car. As is the norm now, he pulls me into his arms, no more battles.
“I like holding you,” is his only defense. He calls me a tease and I pretend I do not know why. We have been skirting around for a couple of months now and I know there were moments when we could have taken the next step, but I hold back.
“How badly do you want to kiss me?” I ask him. He doesn’t answer with what I want to hear. He sounded offended that I would think he wasn’t able to control himself, that he was a barbarian of some sort. I continue talking, babbling really. He grabs my face and effectively shuts me up. Oh, the intensity that left us both breathless. I try to pull away, to regain control but he pulls me back, landing his lips on my neck, face and back to my lips. His hand cradles my cheek.
“I can feel your heartbeat,” he whispers against me. I lower my eyes because I can’t hide what he already knows. I fight for composure; I will not allow him to win. For that is what I see, a man thinking he knows me and therefore has power. He continues to plunge for my neck and I lean away. That is the struggle we will have for the next several months. Stolen kisses hidden from the world. Neither of us putting a name to what we were doing and acknowledging where we were heading.
Peter’s wedding. A lovely Spring affair. I was sandwiched between Bob and Mike, who Bob has been teasing me about to everyone, suggesting Bob liked me. Was it a guise for what we were doing? Did he feel threatened? I did not try to catch the bouquet and he called me a commitment-phobe. He refused to catch the garter and I called him a hypocrite. We didn’t stay long. I was wondering if he would choose to walk me to the door, knowing my roommate was out of town. He did.

Particularly if you haven’t lived together before your wedding,
it is important to establish how chores and regular tasks will
be divided to ensure you are both happy with your living
arrangements and don’t have unreasonable expectations of your
spouse. Even if you already live together, you may want to
question whether you or your future spouse expect existing
behaviours to change. You may decide to draw up a rota for the
housework or each take responsibility for set jobs. Certain
things such as unblocking the plug hole or putting out the
rubbish may be the stuff of nightmares for one of you, but just
a regular activity for the other. Whilst it may seem unnecessary
to talk through these things in advance, it can lead from mild
disgruntlement to full scale resentment, if it is not openly and
frankly discussed and agreed upon. There are so many things to
potentially bicker about when you first move in together - from
dishes left in the sink, to washing left out, shoes not taken
off to toilet seats left up - that it is far wiser to hold
pre-emptive dialogues than risk a sense of dismay as come back
down to earth, after your honeymoon.

Your spouse should be your best friend, the first person you
share good news with or turn to when you are troubled. The bond
the two of you have will grow stronger throughout your years
together, so long as you maintain your closeness with regular
cuddles and chats and not let your career, children or other
pressures come between you. Make regular time to do something
together, whether it be a meal out, a trip to the theatre, or
just snuggling up and watching a favourite DVD. Holidays are a
wonderful way to enjoy each others company, whether a fortnight
abroad, a week camping or a weekend at a B&B, getting away from
the routine of day-to-day life is a great way to re-connect and
celebrate your relationship.

Great relationships are those where you can talk for hours and
know that your spouse revels in hearing about your day and
sharing the events from their own, where you can laugh together
over funny anecdotes and commiserate disappointments. Being a
good listener is key to any relationship. If you don’t
understand what you spouse is explaining, ask them open ended
questions to enable them to describe it in a different way.
Asking questions also shows that you are interested and keen to
make sure you are correctly following their dialogue. Avoid
interrupting a flow of communication and wait for a natural
break before offering your opinions or ideas. If your spouse
fails to do likewise, gently discuss with them how you find it
difficult to express yourself or complete your story and how
that may make you feel. However, remember it is possible that
your spouse is excited, surprised or confused by what you have
said, causing them to interrupt, as their interpretation
overtakes their tact.

Rich marriages are those where both partners enjoy a variety of
activities and interests, some common, some varied. Whilst it is
rewarding to share hobbies and a mutual sense of fun and
adventure, it is also important to allow each other time and
space to pursue your own ventures and maintain your own
friendships. These may be in pursuits only one of you finds
interesting, yet you can both enjoy discussing and understanding
the reward the other gets from it. The more variety you have in
your lives, the more you have to share and debate. Trying new
things together can spark excitement and open up new
opportunities for each of you.

Caring for each other is one of your key responsibilities in a
marriage. Small acts of kindness - such as making your spouse a
cup of tea every morning or setting the video to record their
favourite program - performed out of love and affection, allow
you to demonstrate your desire to nurture your partner. By
setting your own wishes aside and putting those of your spouse
first, you show your respect and high regard for their comfort
and happiness. Being there for each other, both in times of joy
and sorrow, is the most solemn and strengthening aspect of a
marriage. The most any of us can ask for from a lifetime
commitment, is to have someone to stand shoulder to shoulder
with when times are hard, who wants for us what we want for
ourselves and who is prepared to move mountains to help us reach
our goals. Be that person for your partner and know they will be
likewise for you.

I am sure you have heard the Carrie Underwood song of the same name by now. Most of us who have been cheated on have probably fantasized about keying our ex’s car or inflicting some of the damage Carrie sings about in her hit song. As difficult as it may be, you must control your emotions.

The type of out of control behavior depicted in the song will only end you up in jail with a retraining order issued against you. So what can we do to move through the pain and anguish of being betrayed by our spouse? Do spouses who cheat care? Do they harden themselves so that they can ignore the pain they’re causing? If they could feel the actual pain they are causing would it change them? Would they care then?

Most of us who have been the victims of adultery have been forced to ponder these questions. We look at spouses who we lovingly trusted, people with whom we’ve had children, and we see them walking away, blind to the tears, and deaf to the sobs of others. It is as if they have found a way to separate themselves from all that led up to now, and cut themselves off from the past.

As we ponder, we ask why? A woman asks: Was I not good enough? A man might ask: Was I not caring enough? Either might want to know: Did I keep up my end? Was I supportive enough? We blame ourselves, and examine every small detail. Like detectives we search for clues, leads, and turning points. We ask the questions of a spouse who is no longer there, and in the end we are left right back where we started: Why? Why would

There are no easy answers, but there are guilty feelings that can and should be dealt with. First, remember: you did nothing to make your spouse stray. This was their choice, freely made. There is always a moment (or moments) when a responsible person can say: No. The responsibility is theirs, and for those of us they abandoned the question is not: Why did my marriage break up? Instead we begin with: Did a perfectly loyal, loving spouse really suddenly turn into a cheater? It’s likely that the answer is: No. Which leads us to the question: Are there signs that we ignored?

I searched my soul, and my memory, and found that the answer was: Yes. The indications were there, and I ignored them. I had evidence that my husband was not the wonderful, trusting man I had made him out to be. I put on my rose-colored glasses, and saw him only through those lenses, filtering out anything that might threaten my family and me.

After the marriage is over, it’s often a good idea to look back and learn. This shouldn’t be the kind of thinking that only leads to you torturing yourself. If you’re still at that stage, don’t dwell on the past. Only do this when you are far enough past the shock and the wreckage that you can think of it as an object lesson, and want to avoid the same traps next time.