Love means having to say you’re sorry, over and over again. Here’s how to do it differently - and better.

We all sure know how to get into fights with our men, but how do we get out of them without letting ill will fester and without swallowing our pride? Here are some funky ideas that you could try to end standoffs with your significant other:

1.

Plan a post-fight ‘makeup date’ at a restaurant or park. Forgiving happens faster when you leave the scene of the fight, but if you’re still upset when you’re on the date, you can’t yell at each other because you’re in a public place.
2.

The quickest way to end a fight is to admit you are wrong the instant you realize you are wrong. Arguments often last forever simply because people are too proud to acknowledge their mistakes.
3.

They say you should never go to bed mad, but sometimes you can talk better in the morning after you’ve had some time to sleep on things. Why force yourself to stay up and resolve something when you’re tired and cranky anyway?
4.

Sneak up behind him while he’s doing something, wrap your arms around him, and give him a sincere apology.
5.

Break the stalemate by saying, ‘Are you sorry yet?’ It could crack you up, and then you can relax and talk things out more reasonably.
6.

Once a fight is in the past, never bring it up again or refer to it during your next fight. This keeps your fight from getting too vindictive and keeps your relationship moving forward.
7.

Write an affectionate apology to him on the bathroom mirror in lipstick. He could think it’s endearing, and it will put him in a playful mood.

Try any of these ideas… or be original and find some of your own… either way, get the fight out of the way and get on with your relationship.

Detect His Lies Every Time

If you smell a rat, get to the bottom of your suspicions by reading his body language.

1. The ear pull: If he tugs on his ear, it may be a subconscious ploy to distract you from the big, fat fib coming out of his kisser.

2. The arched eyebrow: A cocked brow sends a contradictory signal-half aggressive, half scared. The unmixed message: he’s hiding something from you.

3. The chin dip: Right before a cunning cutie coughs up the Story of the Century, he’ll sometimes gulp and lower his chin to keep down the butterflies in his stomach.

4. The shoulder shrug: A shoulder shrug feigns bewilderment, as in “How could she think I’d lie to her?” But what he’s really thinking at that moments is “How the heck did she catch me?”

5. The hand rub: If your sweetie’s sweating buckets, his palms will itch, forcing him to rub them together or wipe them on his pants.

6. The leg shift: Shifting his weight from one leg to the other may indicate a shifty response to the burning question you have put to him.

These are some typical patterns that often appear with regard to affairs, regardless of the specific situation. Here are a few key points that seem to be quite common (both for the person having an affair and for the spouse):

1. Person having an affair: Keeping the affair “separate” from the rest of life. Many people having affairs `compartmentalise’ their lives and keep their family relationship and `outside’ relationships separate in their own mind - as if one has nothing to do with the other.

2. Spouse: Being crushed, humiliated, and in pain are almost always the reactions to learning of a partners affair (even if there was a suspicion beforehand, but even more so if there was no suspicion). The most common word used is `devastation’.

3. Person having an affair: Flatly denying an affair and/or not communicating about the affair once its discovered. There seems to be an unwritten rule among people having affairs: “Never tell. If questioned, deny it. If caught, say as little as possible.’’

4. Spouse: Having a difficult time understanding how/why this happened; struggling with the feeling that this doesn’t `make sense’. (Affairs are not based on being rational; in fact, people having affairs tend to `rationalise’ their behaviour in order to feel OK about themselves.)

5. Person having an affair: Wanting to `put it behind us’ and go on instead of dealing with it and trying to work through it.

6. Spouse: Losing a lot of weight and having a hard time simply functioning. In fact, the struggle to physically deal with the pain and loss is the first order of business for most people.

7. Both: Wanting to find a quick and easy solution to the upheaval caused by an affair. Seeing a therapist can help, but getting over the pain of the situation and rebuilding trust takes a lot of time and work. It can’t be rushed. Some factors that make a difference are willingness to answer questions, hanging in through the inevitable emotional impact, and severing contact with the third party. (These are not absolute, but usually indicate a willingness to resolve this issue instead of trying to bury it alive, where it just keeps coming back.)

8. Both: Wanting some `guarantee’ that it won’t happen again. There is no simple one-time action that can provide protection. Preventing an affair in the future requires a commitment to an ongoing honest communication.

There are some marriages that cannot or should not be saved. I’m talking of cases of continued abuse, alcoholism, repeated extra marital affairs or chronic unhappiness. In these cases, divorce will offer a healthy relief for the couple. However, in instances where there are children, it will still cause much pain, anger and resentment that will especially affect them in a very negative way. They will carry the scars all their lives, and that is not such a healthy outcome after all. Therefore, in such cases, steps should be taken to see if the marriage can be improved and divorce undertaken as the absolute last step.
Read what Lakshmi from the U.S. (name changed for privacy reasons) has to say and chip in with your suggestions-

“Mine was a purely arranged marriage. I remember the excitement at home when Ravi and his parents came to meet me. The entire avenue was agog when they heard of the great coup my parents had managed to achieve. My God! An IIM graduate and so lucratively employed abroad! What more could one ask? I was no raving beauty; I was kind of ok - enough to pass muster. My parents belonged to a really wealthy family and firmly believed that there was nothing money could not achieve.

It was a bit of a culture shock when Ravi and his parents walked in. They seemed eager to impress, were in total awe of my parents and agreed to whatever they said. I could see that they came from a very ordinary background and that Ravi had come up only because of his intelligence and hard work. I also noticed that he was very uncomfortable; he kept avoiding looking me in the eye and answered queries in monosyllables. Yes, he was already a manager in a big IT company in New York; he had his own apartment; kept long hours at work and was not very aware of what else was going on in his part of the world. He seemed to be a workaholic who had very little time for anything else. I recall being a little ill at ease with the situation and confiding about this to my parents. They pooh-poohed it and said that it was up to me to change him.

The marriage was a grand affair and the guests were almost entirely ours. The few of their contacts and family who attended seemed quite overawed by the whole thing and kept pretty much to themselves. I could see my mother-in-law’s eyes go round with wonder at the expensive gifts we received. The next morning Ravi and I left for our honeymoon, sponsored of course, by my parents. I noticed that Ravi was tense and never really relaxed in my company. I ignored all the warning signals and hoped he would be all right once we were on our own.

The nightmare began on the very first day. Ravi actually resented me! That came as a big shock. I could feel his resentment in his brooding looks and in the way he spoke to me. This was no excited, loving bridegroom! Even as we entered our hotel room, he rudely told me that just because he had married me, did not mean that I owned him! After that, he began to insult me in every way possible. He would leave me to trot behind him trying hard to catch up with him; he never offered to carry my bags and never bothered to make any conversation. I could not understand his attitude - what had I done to deserve this? He told me he had not wanted to get married to me and had been forced into marriage by his parents. I pleaded with him to forget all that - after all, we were married now. He said he could see the contempt for his background in my eyes and he was going to teach me a lesson I would never forget. I thought of my poor parents and stomached all this quietly.

Life was one hell after that. Ravi continued to ignore me; it was as if I never existed. Even when we got back, he asked me to go to my parents’ house to “live in comfort” while he stayed with his parents for the rest of his visit. My parents excitedly asked me about my honeymoon and whether we had begun to understand each other. I gave a bright smile and answered in the affirmative. And then, it was time to leave for New York. ‘Maybe he will change once we are there’ I thought to myself. Not a word on the long flight; no looking after my comfort; only those resentful glares that I had come to associate with him.

It was no better in New York. We literally lived in silence. Whenever he did say something, his tone would be full of hatred. He sure seemed to carry a big chip on his shoulder! He kept odd hours, let himself in and slept in his room. I was at a total loss. We were strangers sharing the same apartment. My parents had given me some money and with that I decided to join some course that would give me relief from the nightmare that was my life. I also managed to get a part time job that gave me some financial independence. There is nothing in this marriage for either of us. All my dreams have been shattered. I am only holding on for the sake of my parents. It has been a year and a half now, and there has been no let up in Ravi’s behavior. If anything, he spews more hatred! He has no friends, no one to whom I can turn to in my despair. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this hate does not translate into physical violence. Please tell me what I should do. Should I tell my parents everything and risk my father’s ill-health? (He is a cardiac patient.) I will go mad this way. I would like to put this behind me and pick up the threads. Should I go in for divorce?

Practical steps to take if you’re being abused

Admit the need for change in your life.

Many women have taken bold and courageous steps to seek help, to find freedom from abuse, and to begin the journey toward a new life. Some have even seen their abusers find the help they desperately needed to stop their destructive behaviour and to experience healing and recovery in their own lives. Some couples, through the help of intervention and a structured, guided recovery process, have been able to experience true healing and reconciliation in their marriages.

Yes, it is true that change does take time, a lot of courage, and a great deal of support, but change can happen. And if you are in an abusive situation, change must occur.

Women do not stay in abusive relationships because they like being abused. Nor is it true that only weak, helpless women are caught up in abusive relationships. These are just myths. Many of the women who are involved in abusive relationships are strong, capable women, but who, over time, have been weakened by domestic abuse. In fact, it is often the strongest women who will stay the longest, because they are determined not to give up, convinced that they can change or fix their relationship.

Here are some typical reasons a woman stays with an abusive husband and does not seek the help she needs:

* She still loves him.
* She feels sorry for him, and believes she can help him.
* She feels the good times outweigh the bad.
* She believes if she can work harder to please him, he will treat her better.
* She blames herself and thinks she deserved the beatings.
* She may think other people will believe it’s her fault.
* Her abuser threatens to kill her, to kill others and/or himself if she leaves him.
* She feels she cannot financially support herself and/or her children.
* She has no other support system available (friends, family, etc.).
* She fears being alone.
* She stays because of religious or cultural beliefs (i.e., believing she is abandoning God or her parent’s values if she leaves).
* She believes leaving will mean she is a failure as a wife and mother.
* She does not know her legal rights and feels she has no options.
* She stays because of the children.
* She doesn’t know anywhere she can move.
* She is too afraid or feels too powerless to leave.

If you have children, you have another very important reason for change. Studies show that one third of the children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems. Children may develop problems such as depression, anger and hostility, isolation, drug and/or alcohol use, and more. They may attempt to get attention through violent behavior, such as lashing out or treating pets cruelly, or by threatening siblings or mother with violence.

Seek outside help and guidance.

Do not try to make changes on your own. You will need help during the recovery process, and you will need help as you address the abuse in your marriage relationship.

This is a great time to strengthen your support base of key relationships in your life - your family members, friends, and others. These relationships may be estranged if your husband has isolated you from them. These people can be of great help to you; they can provide a listening ear, a place to go, financial support, and many other things in your time of need. They also can help provide safety if the situation is dangerous.

Determine your level of danger and develop a safety plan.

Now that you have acknowledged the problem and realise that there is a need for change in your life, you must determine whether or not your safety is at risk as you attempt to live free of fear, violence, and intimidation.

Keep in mind that if you decide to leave your home to protect yourself from physical harm, your husband may view your leaving as betrayal or rejection. He may become even more violent as a result. That is why you need to develop your safety plan with outside counsel and guidance. You may even need the help and protection of the police. Do not make your plans alone!

Move toward reconciliation.

One of the most important questions you will ask yourself as you journey toward recovery from abuse is, “Is there hope for my marriage?” Many of your friends and family may tell you to get a divorce, that reconciliation is all but impossible.

Reconciliation in cases of domestic violence is a long and difficult process. In many cases, a wife will need to separate (perhaps for months or even years) from her husband in order to ensure her safety, recover from her ordeal and then pursue reconciliation. But before turning to divorce, we recommend that you first pursue reconciliation.

Let’s begin by stating the obvious – No marriage is perfect. Once we accept this fact, we can analyse the areas where there are visible shortfalls and try and rectify them as a first step to add fresh life to the marriage. There may be many things about our partner that we do not like, and these may be getting noticeably worse as the years roll by. Or may be just get magnified once the first flush and novelty dies down! Trying to change things, or simply putting them on a back burner, or even blanking out the problems will only serve to make the situation worse and even go out of control. Instead, here are a few tried and tested ways by which you can kindle the embers and revive a stale marriage.

One of the best ways to tackle this problem is to simply motivate your partner with praise. Instead of taking a negative stance, focus clearly on what you want – this will be by far the most effective method and likely to produce good results. Trying to point out mistakes and demanding a change in attitude will only worsen things. The reasons are obvious.

* No one likes to be told he/she is wrong. It is very difficult to accept that someone finds your behaviour wrong even if that someone is your spouse
* We tend to criticize vehemently when we are angry. When one is cornered, the person goes on the defensive and tends to lose balance.
* Instead, if you seek what you want, you are silently praising either yourself or your spouse for whatever is going on. The best motivator with which to encourage people is praise. Never forget to apply this to yourself too. Always acknowledge and praise yourself often for what you’ve done.
* Try not to express or think negative thoughts. This will only cause you to lose control and also the feeling of power. What you feel when you criticize your partner and what you feel when you give praise will tell you how powerful you feel in the latter situation.
* Always focus on the positive aspects of your marriage and you will automatically find yourself in a win-win situation where you will live in harmony and peace.

Divorce and its aftermath, should it happen, remains one of the most painful situations in one’s life. The sad part is that in most cases, such a situation need not have reached such magnitude. What then are some of the basic causes of a break up?

* Are past fears haunting you?

Were you, at the time of your marriage, haunted by feelings of inadequacy – the fear that you were not good looking enough for your handsome fiancé, the fear that your family was inferior to his, the decidedly low feeling when you compared your qualifications to his?

These fears come to the surface at some point of time and can be triggered by some stray comment on the part of your spouse. You react badly as you have experienced the feeling of inadequacy already before.

At such times, it would do you a world of good if you can just turn inward and look at yourself. Assess yourself kindly and with a feeling of self respect. Stop blaming your husband as it is more your issue than his. Are you building up too much on some inane remark he has made? Is there a true basis to your fears? Whatever it is, have the courage to make a clean assessment and be bold enough to make the necessary changes in your attitude. Ask for help if you need it, but be courageous enough to ask for it.

* Is it the feeling of not being appreciated or understood?

It is but human desire to be loved, appreciated and understood by our spouses in particular. When this does not happen, we tend to withdraw with a feeling of hurt, and may even resort to attacking the other person as a defensive action. But do you pause to think if you have appreciated other people in your life? Begin doing it and you will be surprised at the results. Does it sound too simple? Just try it and you will find it really works!

Start appreciating what people do for you in your daily life. Feel and see love around you. Send out warm feelings of appreciation and watch the wonder of finding the love snowball into your life.

* Have you made your relationship a priority in your life?

Have you been taking your relationship for granted and stopped giving it the attention it needs? You find yourselves slowly but surely growing apart and this lack of closeness can cause real unhappiness and a feeling of loneliness. All you have to do is to set aside a certain amount of time only for your spouse and use it to connect with him. Make these special moments a priority in your life. Whenever you think of your partner, have positive thoughts and your attitude will continue when you come face to face and will manifest in expressions of love and happiness.

* Do you end any argument by making your partner feel he is ‘wrong’?

This is easily the biggest mistake that couples make. In surpassing each other in this mission of making the other person feel that they are in the wrong, we tend to pour out words that are critical and vehement. With the result that defenses and walls go up immediately and the loved ones are soon enemies. Stop being judgemental. Take a deep breath before you utter words that you cannot take back. Instead of healing the relationship, you will end up erecting an indestructible wall. Open your heart to the person you love and you will find a better understanding of what is going on.

These are a few common mistakes that married couples tend to make in their relationships. Take heed of these and you may succeed in preventing small misunderstandings from escalating into a divorce situation. If you have anything further to add, do write into our Random Blog section and feel free to express yourself.

Let’s begin by stating the obvious – No marriage is perfect. Once we accept this fact, we can analyse the areas where there are visible shortfalls and try and rectify them as a first step to add fresh life to the marriage. There may be many things about our partner that we do not like, and these may be getting noticeably worse as the years roll by. Or may be just get magnified once the first flush and novelty dies down! Trying to change things, or simply putting them on a back burner, or even blanking out the problems will only serve to make the situation worse and even go out of control. Instead, here are a few tried and tested ways by which you can kindle the embers and revive a stale marriage.

One of the best ways to tackle this problem is to simply motivate your partner with praise. Instead of taking a negative stance, focus clearly on what you want – this will be by far the most effective method and likely to produce good results. Trying to point out mistakes and demanding a change in attitude will only worsen things. The reasons are obvious.

* No one likes to be told he/she is wrong. It is very difficult to accept that someone finds your behaviour wrong even if that someone is your spouse
* We tend to criticize vehemently when we are angry. When one is cornered, the person goes on the defensive and tends to lose balance.
* Instead, if you seek what you want, you are silently praising either yourself or your spouse for whatever is going on. The best motivator with which to encourage people is praise. Never forget to apply this to yourself too. Always acknowledge and praise yourself often for what you’ve done.
* Try not to express or think negative thoughts. This will only cause you to lose control and also the feeling of power. What you feel when you criticize your partner and what you feel when you give praise will tell you how powerful you feel in the latter situation.
* Always focus on the positive aspects of your marriage and you will automatically find yourself in a win-win situation where you will live in harmony and peace.

To begin with, maintaining good relationships is a lot of hard work. Nothing happens just by chance or by sheer good luck – no sir! You get out what you put in, and that’s a fact of life.

When you meet a new person who interests you, everything seems exciting and possible. You begin to get to know each other better, discover similar interests and the relationship progresses to a more comfortable plane, probably even begin to think of spending the rest of your lives together? But of course, this is no guarantee that you are going to be a happy couple for the rest of your lives.

The wildly exciting period generally comes to an end when the honeymoon is over. The couple settles to a period of calm, when there is a sense of latency, of maturity. This is likely to prove a little dangerous as you can grow too comfortable with each other, a point when each takes the other for granted and don’t feel the need to go all out to impress the partner. For such a couple, it soon becomes increasingly difficult to even converse together, or find exciting things to do together on weekends. Many mistake this to be a point of no return – when they feel that the spark is extinguished and it is time to end the boring relationship that is taking them nowhere. Nothing can be further from the truth.

What such couples do not realize is that the whole thing is not happening because of their incompatibility but it is because they are not putting in enough effort to keep the relationship going.

Communicate, communicate, communicate

So what is the key to a good relationship? The answer is simple – it is communication. Never play a passive role in the marriage. Let your spouse know if you have any doubts or concerns. In most cases, you will be surprised to find that he/she shares the same concerns as well! Not letting your spouse know what you feel is the most damaging thing you can do to spoil a relationship. There is no point in wishful thinking and sitting back expecting the problem to disappear on its own. Never hold back from communicating, especially if you have doubts about the relationship itself. Unless you discuss about the potential relationship glitches, how can you solve the problem?

Any discussion opens the way to solving the problem. This can cut both ways. It might lead to a better understanding or it may lead to a conviction that the marriage cannot survive and is better terminated. But one thing is definite. You will not be taken by surprise and the problem doesn’t fester and lead to unsolvable complications that will leave both partners hurt and confused.

You are your own person

See to it that you do not get totally into each other’s personality – retain your individuality and maintain your own interests in life. This way, you infuse fresh life to the relationship thereby preventing it from becoming stale and mundane. Whatever happens, never dissolve the “I” in a relationship totally to “we”, however great your life together may be. Learn to stand on your own feet and don’t get flustered and think that your “I” just cannot exist on its own without the “we”. Work on the relationship and make it work for you!

It can be easily described as a healthy adventure in personal liberation – we are talking here of healthy boundaries especially important in a marriage. This involves a thorough analysis of oneself, becoming aware of what is important to us and what we actually stand for. Such an exercise will automatically aid you in your self-assessment, in understanding yourself and helping you to know that you are indeed worthy of good things in life. When a couple who have thus assessed themselves enter into marriage, they get into the relationship recognizing and respecting the individuality of each other, the independence and the personality that each has, and thus lay the foundation for a healthy relationship. The positive results are evident in the trust and in the strong belief that they can overcome normal difficulties that arise in any relationship. Their affinity is that of two completely equal people where each enjoys a healthy identity of his/her own. Such a situation is possible only when you treat yourself with respect and appreciate yourself for what you are. This way, you learn to appreciate your partner and respect him for what he is – only then can true love blossom and sustain.
What happens when you lack a sense of identity

This is the true danger zone in any marriage as it means that you are losing respect for self and completely submerging your personality in that of your spouse’s. You become totally dependent on your spouse and cannot even imagine what your life would be without this relationship. You tend to draw your identity from that of your partner and bend backwards to please him, prepared to do anything that will make the marriage work. You are prepared to let go of family, friends, your job, your independence and even your self respect. You are prepared to go any lengths to preserve the relationship.
How do you deal with this problem?

It is very important that you take hold of yourself when you feel that you are losing your individuality. There is something in each of us that makes us unique – assess yourself and find out what is unique about you. After all, you have your own value and that is not dependent on your spouse. You have your own individuality - you are a complete person in your own right. It is when you learn about yourself and accept yourself for what you are that your relationship has a chance to grow and flourish. If need be, go to a therapist for help in this very important voyage of self discovery. Once you are aware of your self as an individual, you will find that you are able to communicate very easily with your partner and command the respect due to you. You will also find yourself better able to appreciate your partner and his unique qualities and respect the differences in your personalities. This will automatically propel your marriage to a high level of intimacy, togetherness and commitment. While similarities in your makeup may draw you together initially, you will find that it is the differences that contribute to the excitement, the growth and the mystery of your relationship.

Take a close look at the modern day divorce trends. What strikes you first is that education, wealth, commitment and smartness have nothing to do with what leads to eventual separation or divorce. This is both confounding and scary. In fact, most singles shy away from marriage only for the fear of making a wrong choice which might end up in a messy and heartbreaking divorce.When you realize that none of the above mentioned things are a factor or play a role in preventing the marriage from becoming a mere divorce statistic, you can see that things start to go wrong right at the beginning of the relationship itself – in fact it begins with the so-called chemistry the couple thinks they have.

The majority of couples, when asked by parents why they have chosen each other, say that it is mainly because of the amazing chemistry between them. In most cases, this chemistry is subconsciously to do with physical appearances and is generally to do with the sexual attraction. The sad part is that it takes hardly six months for this so-called chemistry to evaporate, unless the foundation is strengthened by other compatibility factors. When the chemistry no longer plays a role in sustaining the marriage, the affected couples try to work extra hard on the marriage out of guilt feelings when they discover that the attraction towards the partner has waned. Pity, kindness or simply obligation takes over and the marriage limps on without any real bonding or love between the couple.
Work pressures as a factor

Society today has undergone tremendous change and this is mainly due to the work ethics which demand long and committed work hours with little time for family and relaxation. God forbid if the wife is unemployed and simply waits endlessly for the husband to come home and relieve her of her boredom! Complexities in marriage are on the upswing with both partners having to do a complete analysis of each other’s needs and trying to meet demands at least halfway. Tremendous willpower is the need of the day and unless there is a holistic approach, divorce and unhappiness will soon take over.
Final analysis

To get back to the beginning, it is often said, especially when a movie has unprecedented success, “It’s all in the casting!” It is the initial decision that has to be taken very carefully as that is when the fate of a marriage is usually decided. Make your choice wisely; give it serious thought, weigh the pros and cons well before zeroing in on your mate as it is the one decision that is going to make or break your marriage. Any follow-up action like trying to save a failing marriage will usually be futile and any idea that one can ‘make a marriage work’ rarely works out. Societal pressures may make a couple hesitate to take the final step and they may try to continue in an empty relationship which in no way tackles the root of the problem.

So if you are on the threshold of a relationship, check it out from all points before you decide on marriage. Take into account factors other than ‘magical chemistry’, check out comfort and compatibility levels before you decide that this relationship is for the long haul. Good luck!

* If your whole life is now centred around your kids and your work, if you hardly have time to yourselves during the week, if small crises seem to blow up out of proportion at home, and equally busy weekends are the only times when you get to interact with your spouse –Whoa! You are in for trouble! For sure!
* Will come a time soon when you feel that you have to choose between your spouse and children to allot your time. A dangerous symptom indeed as the requirement of the moment is to balance between the two as both are equally important.
* There are so many small things that demand your attention that you tend to lose your grip on the more important things like spending time together.
* Soon you tend to get totally preoccupied in your own little world with your priorities all jumbled up.
* You begin to get irritated and annoyed with each other’s shortcomings. Where there was once love and tolerance, there will now be small misunderstandings that keep getting blown up out of proportion.
* You lose count of time passing you by and it will be many months before you realize that things are going wrong. It might even be too late to salvage the situation by then!

Can such a problem be solved?

* What you need is to make a complete and honest analysis of the situation. Simple write down all your activities together and apart during the week See that you evaluate everything, be it your job, the time spent with kids, family time, household chores – whatever you did during the week. This will give you a fair idea of how you have spent your valuable time, where you can cut and trim so that you can allot sufficient time for everything.
* Maybe this exercise will show you that you are not spending enough time with your spouse. It is critical that the kids too realize how important your connecting with your spouse is. Your love for each other should be conveyed to the kids as it will help in making them feel secure. Take walks together – it will help in bonding firmly as you can discuss various things when you are relaxed together.
* Never take each other for granted. Respect each other’s time.
* Both emotional and physical fitness are very important in leading a balanced life. Never neglect either.
* Any extra activity that involves time away from spouse and family should be given less importance as the time available with family is crucial for a healthy and complete bonding.
* Spend quality time with your spouse to the exclusion of everything else at least once a week. Let the other members of the family be aware that this time is reserved only for your spouse.
* Improvise fresh methods of spending this quality time together so that it becomes something you can look forward to without a sense of boredom creeping in.

Once you infuse enthusiasm and freshness into your marriage and reserve time exclusively for your spouse, you will find that interest in each other is sustained and the relationship can go to greater heights even while your family life prospers.

Total mess! These are the first words that come to mind when one thinks of an impending divorce. There are so many things to be attended to, so many details to be worked out, appointments with lawyers, legal complications… the list is endless! Easier, don’t you think, to try and adjust to each other, forgive and forget, meet partners half way? If people are willing to compromise, they can often find solutions to problems they never thought were possible! Not all dissenting couples will agree. In some cases the differences go real deep and are irreconcilable. There may be instances of adultery, extra marital affairs which may be impossible to forgive. As one of our readers had written when talking about her impending divorce and when she spoke of her attitude towards her husband:

“I love you…hate you…I can’t live without you.
I breathe you…I taste you…I can’t live without you.
I just can’t take it any more, this life of solitude.
I guess I’m out the door, and now, thank God! I’m done with you!”

How can you avoid divorce?

To avoid the mess of a divorce, the first thing would be to try and recognize your problem. Sometimes even an apology expressed at the right moment can go a long way in helping to resolve the issue. It is always better to tackle problems when they are still fresh and before they are allowed to fester and magnify into a divorce situation. Once smaller issues are solved, somehow the threat of divorce seems to recede.

You may have been partly responsible for the bitterness and rancour in the relationship. So zero in on where you’ve gone wrong and it will be that much easier for you to make amends. Recognize the problem and try and rectify the situation. You could have expressed your concerns right in the beginning instead of allowing the problem to grow. If your husband has been golfing every evening and preferred hanging out with his friends to spending an evening with you, talk to him about it. If he could be made to understand that this is not in the best interest of his marriage, he may apologise, express regret for his actions and try and avoid harming his marriage. This may put you in an entirely different frame of mind as you will recognize the sincerity in his voice and subsequent actions.

Once your husband understands the harm that has been caused by his thoughtless action, he should accept responsibility instead of trying to make scapegoats of his friends. He should not try and put the blame on great stress at work. It is only when one accepts total responsibility that one can help change the outcome. This is where counseling can help.

Next course of action would be to develop a remedy that can solve the problem once and for all. Instead of cutting him off from his friends or banning him from playing golf, try telling him that he could still do it for 3 days a week, and on those days you can do something on your own too! Develop interests and hobbies that can keep you occupied. If you have no skills do some voluntary work like reading for the blind. Your husband will respect you for your thoughtfulness and will not look at you as a killjoy.

So here are the keywords if you want to avoid the problem of divorce right when the dissentions start:

1. Recognize the problem
2. Express regret for your part
3. Accept responsibility
4. Develop a remedy

Try these courses of action before you even consider a divorce and you may succeed in saving your marriage from a disastrous ending.

If any of you reading this have your own suggestions to add, please do so! Our doors are always open to discussions and finding workable solutions to women’s problems.

You’ve called him a stinking rat to your friends, played I will Survive 15 times in a row at full volume and answered a dozen small ads from men with a GSOH. But you still jump to the phone at the first ring and feel your stomach drop into your boots when it’s your mother. You doodle his name at work during meetings, take furtive detours past his place to check if the lights are on, and fantasise endlessly about how it might have been. In short, you are in love-painfully..and hopelessly.

Every woman who has been there has dreamed of an instant cure for unrequited passion, but until recently the only ‘cures’ were tea, sympathy and - for the really desperate - a lot of psychobabble. This is not always enough. Most of us, at least once in our lives, have been so besotted with another person that we have behaved in a way that - if the cause were anything other than love - would be seen as madness.

You tend to wonder which is worse… being in love or the aftermath! At the beginning of each relationship you are like some crazed fanatic. Thinking about the guy every single waking moment, working out this entire fantasy life you would share - right down to the names of your kids. When the relationship does not work, you are into deep depression.

Now science is showing that the emotional upheavals caused by passionate love, the gnawing discomfort of unfulfilled love and the pain of heartbreak really are a kind of insanity. Furthermore, the cause has been traced - as with other mental illnesses - to disruptions in brain chemistry. As with depression or alcoholism, romantic love is an illness that can damage your body and create chaos in your life. But don’t despair, these findings are opening up the possibility of a cure - the anti-love pill is on its way.

The answer lies in the complex chemistry of the brain. Scientists have studied the three distinct stages people go through while in the throes of love. They found that each one is associated with huge surges and plunges in the level of various neurotransmitters - the chemicals that turn different areas of the brain on or off to bring about different thoughts and feelings.

The first stage is when you feel that lower-abdomen jolt when your eyes connect with those of some desirable hunk. This is actually due to a sudden flurry in the hypothalamus, which triggers the release of a punchy cocktail of adrenaline and sex hormones.

The second stage is attraction - a pleasant, light-hearted stage of love, but for some it is like being on a fantastic trip which feels too good to be allowed to end. Attraction is brought about by a group of neurotransmitters known as monoamines. In some people this produces a state similar to drug withdrawal, in which people need more and more affection or excitement to maintain a sense of wellbeing.

The third stage of love is attachment, which brings a new batch of chemicals into play. Chief among these is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter that has a bonding effect on people, and is released whenever you have that warm, huggy feeling of love for someone.

If all these chemicals remain balanced during this three-stage process, the course of true love runs smoothly - couples pass painlessly from lust of attraction to attachment and live happily ever after. But more often than not, the chemistry goes wrong. The main danger point is during the shift from attraction to attachment. The ‘high’ is terrific but, like all chemically induced states, there comes a crash.

Doctors today are prescribing some kind of anti-depressant to deal with this ‘love’ syndrome! The pills can take away not only the misery you would feel after breaking up with someone, they can also stop any obsessive ruminating on the affair. Many studies have shown that some antidepressants can calm the frenzy of infatuation and soothe the pain of a heartbreak, just as an aspirin can relieve a toothache. They can even subdue feelings of obsessive jealousy.

Anti-depressants are not licensed specifically for treating heartbreak, but if the end of a love affair triggers depression - as it sometimes does - you could ask your doctor to prescribe some anti-depressants for you. Of course, most people will get over a failed love affair without taking pills - and the pangs of a heartbreak often help us to be more sensitive to others - but for others they may be vital for emotional health. So, didn’t we always know that scientists will eventually find a cure for just about anything? A pill for being lovesick? Wow!

Being in love is a great experience. Nothing quite can give you the kind of high that just being in love can bring. Nothing compares to the time spent with your loved one… and when he is not around, you still want to tell him about everything you even think about… which is where writing love letters come in.

You can choose to express your love in many ways. You could choose perfumed letter paper in baby pink with tiny hearts sprinkled all over it, or you can do your own thing. Whatever it may be, select appropriate stationery. Decide whether you prefer torn-out notebook paper or perfumed sheets crawling with flowers.

Consider other creative means of expressing your devotion: Scrawl confessions on a mirror, fan or a piece of cloth. Fire off a quick succession of postcards. Draw things like hearts, flowers, etc., on the letter paper. For heaven’s sake, don’t draw peace signs, yin, yang, etc.

If your love is somewhere far away, it is tough. Any long-distance relationship can be rough, so write frequently. Take time during lunch breaks at work and write a few sincere lines a day. After three or four days mail the letter. That way he knows you think of him often.

Include one of those scribble pages that you’ve written with his or her name all over it. That can be very romantic to many people because it shows that you’re always thinking of them.

Date your letter for the sake of posterity. It might be real fun (many, many years later) to curl up during a rainy afternoon and read the letters that you had written to each other.

Describe how your lover makes you feel. Be original. Express your true feelings. Tell him about the way he makes you feel in such a way that he knows that he’s the only one who could make you feel this way.

Mention your lover’s adorable traits. Be sure to mention even the little everyday things that you like best about your love    like him playing with his ears when discussing something serious. Appreciate the things he’s doing that make you feel extra-special. If the one you love is especially insecure about a certain aspect of him or her, make sure to tell them how much you like that quality. It will make them feel more loved and accepted by you.

Be sure to mention the number of times you’ve read the letter that he wrote you. Flatter your lover by repeating a couple of choice phrases he or she used.

Maybe you could finish your letter or envelop with a wax seal. Consider affixing a flower onto it or enclosing a poem. You could end your letters with a quote from a song you both love, a book you’re reading, or just something you’ve made up yourself. (Few people can make rhyme work in a poem, so the best way to write genuinely is to write free verse. Let your thoughts define the form you use, length of lines, etc.) Dab a bit of your favourite perfume on the back of the envelope after you seal it. He’ll love it!

And don’t ever forget the three magic words, “I LOVE YOU”…